I just realized the reason so many people will call someone “an abuser” when the facts of the matter indicate instead that the person is actually simply “an asshole” is because you can’t just create engaging social media guilt by association drama by demanding people unfollow x or y if they’re simply an asshole, but if you re-reframe banal assholishness as genuine psychological abuse it means you can also start shit with anybody who associates with the asshole in question. That might also explain why people say “this person is a gaslighter” when they instead mean “this person says lies”.
Hey op, I’m trying to read you in the best way possible, but this sounds EXTREMELY insensitive to survivors of abuse.
It goes way past merely “insensitive.” Actually, it sounds pretty abusive in and of itself. It’s victim-blaming at its finest. “You’re not being abused, you’re just trying to create drama” - really? Nope.
See, you’ve actually proved the OPs point. You’ve gone out of your way to call something that absolutely was not abuse ‘abusive language’ (and also ‘victim blaming’, proving that you don’t know what those words mean, either) which does nothing except water down what abuse actually is and make it harder for people who are actually victims of abuse to get help.
At no point did the OP blame victims of abuse for that abuse. Pointing out that not all assholes are abusers and not all asshole behavior is abusive is not telling anyone who has been abused anything at all. At no point did the OP say ‘you weren’t really abused’ to a victim of abuse. What they did say is that a lot of people (especially online) are very quick to label assholish behavior as abuse (and also things like lying as gaslighting) which dilutes the meaning of abuse and, again, makes it harder for victims to get the help they need.
Not all assholes are abusers. Not all toxic relationships are abusive. Two people can simply be bad for each other (whether as friends, romantic partners, family, or anything else) without being abusive. It doesn’t mean that toxicity and assholish behavior are never abusive, but when you call someone ‘an abuser’ when the truth is (born out by whatever ‘evidence’ is provided) that they were just an asshole, you are doing no one any favors, least of all yourself or abuse victims in general. The same can be said of calling someone a gaslighter when the truth is that they’re just a liar, or lied about one thing, or disagreed with you on something trivial. (All of which I’ve seen called gaslighting and abuse in the past lmfao.)
i love this because it’s such a simple concept but it answers things i didn’t even know how to ask
Looking out of people’s windows is such a peaceful way of travelling… I got a snowfall in Argentina, a nice sea view in Ukraine, a clothes line in the fog in Bangalore. Antonella from Tavernaro, I like your wooden bird.
nobody talk to me nobody touch me i live here now. this is my new favorite thing.
1. Give them goals and desires (that don’t involve men.)
As a society, we still have an unfortunate proclivity towards the belief that female interests should and must centralize around others, particularly heterosexual men.
Female interests are viewed as frivolous and childish; past a certain age, they’re viewed as pathetic. Unless, of course, they centralize around pleasing and supporting their husband and family.
Now, I’m a fiercely ambitious person, and you can rip my special interests from my cold dead hands. As such, I make a calculated effort to refute this assumption with my writing, and give female characters something to live for outside of a husband and family.
Here are some interests, activities, and goals you can give your female characters that are independent of men:
Education (such as a college degree, and MFA, a PHD, medical school, et cetera.)
Career – and not just the stereotypical, pantsuit clad career-gal variety, either. Give women dreams and ambitions in any field. Show me women who are aching to succeed in medicine, ballet, fiction writing, teaching, the Arts, et cetera.
Hobbies. Show your women gardening, painting, playing piano, learning Mandarin, horseback riding, and more. Showing the rich inner life of women can go a long way towards showing the reader that they’re autonomous people.
Fandoms. Let your women be passionate fans of things: TV shows, movies, books, video games, singers, comics, and so on. Moreover, show women characters of all ages with passionate interests that they aren’t ashamed of. I couldn’t live without my fandoms and interests, and it’s unfair that women are expected to “grow out” of them.
Relaxation. Let your women loaf in their spare time, and not just in the pretty, sexy way. Let them lay around in PJs watching reality television and procrastinating on the internet.
2. On that note, let women have sexual and romantic desires.
I’ve heard it put, quite succinctly, that women are expected to be sexy, not sexual.
Women masturbating, watching porn, making the first move towards men, or desiring other women is often considered weird or uncomfortable, because it implies that we have our own sexual autonomy outside of being objects for male pursuit.
Let your female character have desires. Let her express sexual attraction and romantic passion. Let her fantasize. Let her masturbate. Let her enjoy sex. It’s been proven that women enjoy all of these things just as much as men do, so let it show.
(A.N: I may make a post for male authors on how to do this, because I know a dude who thought women masturbate by rubbing their tits.)
Similarly, it’s equally as important to present these things as normal, and that you show the female characters as sexual, but not necessarily sexualized.
Eliza from The Shape of Water was a great example of this: within the first five minutes, she’s shown masturbating in her bathtub. This could have been a fetishistic moment, but instead it’s depicted as a normal and natural part of her daily routine, right on par with her boiling eggs for lunch.
It was something I had never seen before, and a pleasant surprise in an already splendid and emotional film about a woman falling in love with a sexy fish.
3. Let them form intimate friendships (with both women and men.)
Intimate female friendships are one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity.
Show your female characters sharing a bed, watching films together, painting each other’s nails, having late night conversations. Show them getting dressed up to do typical date night activities, like seeing movies and going out to dinner.
If you have the sudden impulse to make it gay (which I, for one, frequently do) you already have a baseline of friendship and intimacy to work with. Talk about a twofer!
On the other side of the coin, let your women have casual, platonic intimacy with men without jealousy on the part of their spouses or romantic implications. This also kills two birds with one stone, as it both crushes toxic masculinity and the stereotype that women are “mysterious creatures” who can’t relate to men.
4. Vanquish your fear of Mary Sue.
Mary Sue only exists in one place, and that is a Star Trek fan magazine she originated in.
Today, she’s predominantly thrown around by two kinds of people: dudebros who don’t like it when media reflects that women are people with the same capacity for autonomy and competency as men, and writers who are concerned about accidentally creating a Mary Sue themselves.
Mary Sue was originally intended to mean a character who is blatant wish-fulfillment and projection on the part of the author, which is a valid concern – however, creators of all genders have fallen victim to this. The only difference is that men get paid more to do it.
(Case in point, this dude.)
So vanquish your concerns about Mary Sue. Give your female character a wide range of skills. Give her intelligence. Make her assertive. Let her kick ass without being one-upped by a cocky newcomer. Let her be kind and empathetic.
In other words, don’t be afraid of making her awesome – just make her a well-rounded character on top of it.
However:
5. Know the difference between strong female characters and Strong Female Characters™.
The symptoms for a Strong Female Character™ are as follows:
She punches and kicks things a lot.
Or, alternatively, is referred to as being able to punch or kick things, but never gets the opportunity to do it.
Emotional callousness/lack of sympathetic attributes.
Hates children.
Looks down on traditionally feminine women.
Has approximately three personality traits.
This is not, contrary to popular belief, a strong female character. A strong female character is a well rounded, fully fleshed-out human being with positive and negative attributes, a capacity for mistakes and vulnerability, and the ability to learn and grow.
Strong female characters can be traditionally feminine or butch tomboys. They can be loving and maternal or rough around the edges. They can be effervescent explosions of joy or stony as marble statues.
Strong female characters don’t even necessarily have to good – a complex villain has the same components and motivations that make a complex hero (I talk about that here.)
Keep this in mind when writing female characters. And if you want an example of what to avoid and what to emulate, you can always look at Joss Whedon’s version of the Wonder Woman script versus the final product.
I agree with everything except the marysue. Marysues are SO annoying. A writer can, and should, give their female leads a ton of skills and be a well-rounded individual, however that is not what a marysue is. A marysue is a girl or guy (everyone I know calls OP guys marysues as well, so I don’t know if there is another term or not) who is a master at everything they do, despite having no training. Women leads should have some skills already set it, but they should also strive to gain more or better the ones they know through diligent training, they shouldn’t just start out as a master.
I agree! The only trouble is, Mary Sues are vastly overdiagnosed. For example, I once had a beta reader remark that the name Luna “strikes me as a Mary Sue name.” It was in the first damn paragraph.
Real Mary Sues (and their lesser known counterparts, Gary Stus) are indeed bad writing in adult literature. However, I think the witch hunt-esque hypervigilance regarding Mary Sues is counterproductive, and often serves as a substitute for thoughtful literary criticism.
the next time you think you’re lonely, just remember you have about 25 billion white blood cells in your body protecting your sorry little ass with their life. you have 25 billion friends who would die for you. no need for tears.
thank you osmosis jones
My immune system tried to kill me though.
Jordan just remember you had twenty five billion enemies trying to kill you and you’ve survived them all
This morning at brunch the server came out and he was like “unfortunately we don’t have ice right now because a server just broke a glass in it” and we were all like “no that’s fine I think an element of danger at brunch is sexy and fun” and he was like no absolutely I get that but I still can’t let you eat glass at my job
i just want to one day be loved like elle woods’ sorority sisters loved her
they all simply do not understand why elle wants to go to harvard so bad… yet they help her study, grade her tests, motivate her and all around fully support her from the moment she decides to go and never stop believing in elle not for a single second… like wow name me one sweeter moment in all of cinema, i’ll wait
sorry to be legally blonde blogging on main once again but i just wanted to talk about how easy it would’ve been to screw that movie up. the entire premise is based around a girl doing the most to get a guy, the main conflict of the film is the one between elle and viv, elle and her friends are stereotypical girly girls, etc - all that is just a perfect setup for a kind of passive aggressive lowkey misogynistic film that aims at actual feminist themes but falls short at #girlboss. but it doesn’t! while vivian is certainly catty to elle at first the insults aren’t sexist, vivian is just threatened but the confrontation is surprisingly and refreshingly… levelheaded? is the best way i can describe it. there is none of that one scene that a lot of 90’s movies seem to have where the two female protags have a fight where they insult each other’s appearance and then latch onto each other’s hair and yell bloody murder. ya know the one. there is none of that, none of the throwing around lowkey insults to women left and right, and in the end it works out quite beautifully because the only character we meet who is actually outright sexist is warner, which sets him up to be a gigantic asshole without having to have him like kill a kitten or something. it’s clever writing! and for a movie that came out in 2001 to toe that line between empowerment and sexism so well and come out the other side an enjoyable story with realistic women that does not fall under sexist tropes and stands the test of time is very admirable imo
